with Scientologists and their critics
Although Scientology is an evil, dangerous and very
litigous cult, alt.religion.scientology
can sometimes be a funny place. Laughing about evil is no protection, but
have found extremely silly texts in the Scientology 'literature'. Are you
scared about jaw pain ? The reason may be the clam
engram. No wonder that the snapping sound of the clams will soon be
as a trademark, although the Smithsonian Institute
denies any human-clam evolutionary link. And here's a cartoon: John Lennon lectures the clams. And watch Long Beach Clam Cam. Watch Thus spoke Clamathustra (animation).
may want to know how Scientology is expanding in parallel
universes. Did you hear that claim in Fact
vs. Fiction (The response of the "church" against the TIME article)
that 1,500,000 millions of South African children were taught how to read
and learn through Scientology "study technology" ? You don't believe it,
e.g. because even current cult leader David Miscavige didn't finish high
school ? Well, it was a clandestine operation.
(Clam animation originally done by Bay Networks for
their clambake contest. Bay Networks does not endorse or sponsor this site.
Cropping done by Chris)
The Church of the Government Protected Word
For Jeff Jacobsen, it wasn't enough to criticize the cult. He founded his
own religion, the Church
of the Government Protected Word. This Church promises to improve
your personality. Did someone call you a bozo ? Well, Jeff has the
answer to check this: the bozo prep-check [tm].
Feeling pain ? No problem, Doctor Hubbard is in, and will help
you. Wondered how auditing really works ? Here's
Dioretix, Diarrhetics, Scienetics, Apelomatics, Diapetics, DianeTech, Psychotonomy,
In the movie Repo
Man with Emilio
Estevez we discover Dioretix: The Science of Matter over Mind.
In the scene where Otto (Estevez) is talking to Miller while he's burning
trash in an oil drum, there's a brief shot of Otto holding a copy of the
book (screenshot), then throwing it into the fire. Almost at the end, there's another
brief scene where two of the government agents discover they've both read
the Book. Watch the movie or read a transcript.
Diarrhetics is presented by National
Lampoon magazine: Leave the thinking to us - over 10,000,000 purged.
Watch out for a new religion: Scienetics, a parody ad by the
Radio Network. Listen
to it or read the transcript - and buy Scienetics
There is also Apelomatics:
The Modern Pseudoscience of Mental Dentistry. Recommended by Prangor
Diapetics was invented by Ira Wallach.
Brandnew in 1998: DianeTech,
Applied Spiritual Linguistic Technology
In August 1999, the Upright Citizen's Brigade presented a sketch on
Psychotonomy. Watch it in RealVideo
or read a viewer's comment. Have a cookie!
Episode 209 of the television series Millennium was centered
around a group called "Selfosophy". Watch a
description of Selfosophy.
Epizootics was a spoof of Dianetics, written by Gershon Legman in 1950 in the short-lived magazine Neurotica. It was reprinted 1963 in Paul Krassner's magazine The Realist, and rediscovered 2008 in the blog of Dana Goodyear.
Psychics at work
Scientologists believe they have psychic powers. John Holifield stopped
the rain, so that a lady and her two kids could cross over. Very useful
for driving students is Ken Long's ability to shrink
a car or widen the road. Other success stories are even more
amazing: a girl managed to increase her breast size
- a real threat for manufacturers of padded bras. Some people are not convinced,
a poster from down under says: I don't need no steenkin'
OT powers !
OT's are known to kill with a thought. Luckily, you can protect
you, with the help of the Anti-OT device from Kwantem
the original press release). Don't picket an org wihout it!
German rock star visits Celebrity Center
Harmon Leon from the Met (a Dallas' Arts and Entertainment Weekly)
impersonated german musician Dieter Lietershvantz, who decided to go into
the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles.
Is Bill Gates a Scientologist ?
Tiki Küstenmacher; found in PC Professionell 12/95, p.290, translated
It was only a matter of time that the idea would come up that Bill Gates
is a member of the Scientology cult. This is a silly twisting of the facts.
Ron Hubbard, the legendary cult founder, was nothing more than one of the
first cyborgs, which the very young E.T. alias Bill Gates built in his
garage and programmed in GW-BASIC. This explains also the BASIC-like thinking
of the group. If someone looks at the almost non-existant facial expressions
of Scientologists Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman or Priscilla Presley, he will
involuntarly be reminded of the design of a 8080 processor. No wonder that
the logical deepness of the movement still hasn't reached beyond 8 bit.
Werner Tiki Küstenmacher is a protestant minister, cartoonist and author.
Monster under bed
We usually handle monsters under the beds of our children this way: we
either persuade that there aren't any monster there, or we say "I have
removed the monster, he won't annoy you again".
An OT with the name J.T. (John Travolta ?) has this report, published
in "Advance!", page 89:
My three-and-a-half year old son woke up in the middle of the
night and came to my room, telling me he was scared. I talked to him briefly,
and sent him back to bed, and he went back to sleep. Next thing I knew
he was crying again. My roommate said, "I think there's something in there."
So I scanned his room for entheta influences. There it was - a churning,
large massy ball was hovering near the doorway. I blew that apart and away,
and my son went right to sleep. I didn't have to think, wonder, talk, or
even get out of bed.
Lost in the desert
Two Scientologists have been lost in the desert for almost a week.
It is now Thursday 13:45. One says to the other:
– "This can't go on. We've been lost for too long! ... How much money
have you got on you ?"
– "750.00$...??...why ?"
– "Quick, think of a course you would like to do, that cost around
– "What ?...Why ?"
– "Because within 15 minutes, a registrar will find us !"
I read this joke in the newspaper in a different form. Here it is, rewritten
A technician, a scientist and a Scientologist are lost in the
desert. Suddenly a can of food falls from the sky. They discuss how to
The technician: "We'll hit it until it breaks".
The scientist: "I will take off my glasses, bundle the sunlight on the
can, it will pop up and the food will be cooked."
The Scientologist: "Get your ethics in! I will postulate a can-opener".
The Top 15 Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"
[ This list copyright 1997 by John Smith and Ziff-Davis ]
Chicks To Say Yes: L. Ron Answers the Booty Call"
"Hey, If It's In a Bestseller, It MUST Be True!"
"Making Your Own E-meter With Dixie Cups And Duct Tape"
"Chapter 26: In Which Luke Discovers that L. Ron Vader is His Real Father"
"Chapter 5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot"
"'Old Mother' Hubbard -- L. Ron, the Transvestite Years"
"Chapter 12: Geez, You're Still Buying This, Aren't You?"
"The Human Mind: That Vast Realm Half an Inch Behind the Forehead (Two
Inches Back for Scott Hamilton)"
"When a Lawsuit Hits Your Eye, Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Scientology"
"He's NOT the Telescope Guy!"
"Chapter 11 - How To File For It"
"Movie Stars -- Are They Gullible, or What?"
"Chapter 3: Post This on the Internet and We'll Sue Your Ass!"
and the Number 1 Least Known Chapter in "Dianetics"...
"Commandment Number One: 'Show Me the Money!'"
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.*
[ The Top Five List firstname.lastname@example.org
Do you like limericks?
|There was a young chap from St. Hill
Who swallowed a niacin pill
His liver imploded
His body exploded
His thetans are now in Brazil.
14.8.1998, click here
for complete text
|An evil space warlord named Xenu
Had too many thetans to see to.
He turned them to ice,
Showed them flicks that weren't nice,
Then said, "Go implant Wogs who can't see you."
Xenu after-school special (you need RealVideo
songs about Scientology!
Spoof of a cult debate in Nightstand
Scientology cartoons by Waa
Elron auditing a tomato!
Helena Kobrin auditing a tomato!
The Church of Appliantology
idea of Frank Zappa)
The founding document of The First Electronic Church
of Scamizdat by Peter McDermott: Scientology took this for real, and
included it in their discovery
wish-list (Nr. 22) against Grady
The RTC fun page:
have a look at the funny people and the funny writings of Scientology's
Religious Technology Centre.
images (Attacked by scientology!)
3 rewritten for
Alvin Brattli's ClamBust: the official a.r.s.
cartoon (in Portuguese, but understandable)
British Body Thetan Society Home Page
David Gerard's humour page
From our reporter Dennis Miller:
...and nominated for Best Actor: Tom Cruise... for his convincing portrayal
of a Scientologist!
Implant Stations on Mars
L. Ron Elementary school – a parody by Scott
Harris of the Los Angeles Times
A cartoon from the Washington Post:
Found in the Los Angeles Times on August 4, 1997:
<< Some L.A. schools were found to be using textbooks by Scientology
founder L. Ron Hubbard, says Joe Kevany. "The methods seem to be working.
Several of the students now want to start their own religions when they
grow up." >>
Funny Bone: L. Ron Hubbard wanted cartoonist Jim Berry to be "handled".
Cult Fiction: a fictional account to the
cult awareness network (a scientology front)
With Critically Low E-Meter Reading! (also here)
"South Park" spoof of
scientology for the MTV Music Awards
Fade to Black Comedy Magazine
has a buying guide for Cult$
that compares other cults to scientology; also a page
that compares L. Ron Hubbard to Dr. Seuss (includes a quiz!).
Howard Stern makes fun of scientologists
A peek into the
CESNUR library of cult apologist Massimo Introvigne (now we know how
his "scientific" books are written!)
The movies Schizopolis
are both parodies of Scientology
An OT visits a psychiatrist
from the Fashion Police
- Obama is Xenu by the Weekly World News, "The world's only reliable news"
Old Mutha Hubbard the Crewmate Song
by Robert Darby
A goats cartoon by Jonathan Rosenberg:
A cartoon from Sinfest:
A cartoon from DerfCity based on
a true story (read
Several Scientology-related cartoons by Adam Bjornson:
My own humor
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