From: shaunc@faceplant.gvg.tek.com (Math Hoodlum)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: REPOST: What is a "Thetan?"
Date: 24 Feb 1995 23:34:02 GMT

In article <3fspoc$ki0@narnia.ccs.neu.edu> rogue@ccs.neu.edu (R Agent) delayed the second coming by announcing:

>"Thetan" is Scientologese for "soul".  "Body thetans" are souls that
>are attached to your body and believe they are a piece of you (finger,
>toe, spleen, nose, what have you).
>
>You get rid of them by "autiding" them, asking them questions and
>getting them to realize they are souls & not pieces of your body after
>all. 

Auditor: Hello again!

Dave: Hi.

A: I want to talk to your foot body thetan.

D: My what?

A: Foot.  Foot.  

D: Right or left?

A: (nettled) Ah, ah, left.

D: Very well.

A: Hello Mr. Left Foot.  How are you this fine July morning?

D: <remains silent> 

A: <raises voice> HELLO MR. LEFT FOOT!  

D: <still silent>

A: Is there a problem?

D: He's asleep.

A: Er, ah, ah, ok.  Hello, Mr. Right Foot!  

D: Mph!  Mph!

A: How's that?

D: MmmmMMMMph!  MPHMMPH!  

D: I don't think he can hear you very well through the shoe.

A: Take it off, please.

D: Take off my shoe?  

A: Yes.  I must question your foot body thetan.

D: What on earth for?

A: We start with the feet and work our way up.  I have this checklist.

D: No, why do you want to question my right foot?

A: It is imperative that I get it to realize that it is a soul <giggles>
   and not a piece of your body after all.

D: Great!  That one's done, then.

A: Beg pardon?

D: <removes shoe, revealing prosethic replacement> Lost it in the war.
   I assure you that we harbor few illusions about each other.  <Wiggles
   foot> <in falsetto voice> "You bet!  Last go round I was a shin splint!"

A: <stares blankly; makes a tick on his clipboard> 

D: <observes tick> Great!  With that and the free space, I'm almost halfway
   to BINGO already!

A: <sighs> So, Dave, tell me... do you have a SPLEEN?

D: Most certainly!

<e-meter buzzes>

D: Sorry, go fish.

(pause)

D: Cat accident.  Terrible scratches.  Nearly killed me.  Is that another
   free square? 

A: Dave...

D: I was really hoping to win that nice macrame plant holder by the window.

<e-meter makes a cheerful "bing!" noise>

A: <ticks "Out of valence in R6"> Right.  Well, that's all for today.

D: But I'm almost there!

A: Today's donation is $50.

D: $50?! For a chance to win a macrame plant holder?  I will not pay!

A: You'll pay.

E-meter: Bing!

A: <puts pillow over e-meter> You've already begun.  We all come from Mars.

<faint buzzing>

D: I feel better already!  Wow!  What other amazing facts can you tell me?

A: You are unhappy because your foot is fixated on a false image of Satan.

<faint buzzing>

D: Astounding.

A: Have you done anything to help advance scientology this week?

D: No.

<faint buzzing>

D: Oh, wait!  I tripped a psychologist this morning as she was getting off
   the bus.

<faint bing>

A: That's very good!  How do you feel?

D: Splendid!  

A: Wouldn't you like to write about it?  

D: Sure!  Watch me go!  Vroom vroom vroom!  Here's $50 and a tip!

<Dave writes>

A: <reads it> This is very good, Dave.  

D: Thanks.  I'm in marketing, you know.

A: I want you to say 15 Hail Hubbards and post this to Usenet 7500 times, 
   ok?

D: Sure thing!  Bye!  (Exeunt)

A: <talks while writing> "Potential trouble source, but generous.
   Recommend diet of salt water, stale Fritos, and R3R on the left foot to
   the first picture it ever made of the now-absent right foot.  LF is
   obviously suffering from post-partum depression and a couple of really
   serious corns.  Suspect cluster of toes in cahoots with the foot."

A: <looks up> Damn!  He stole my plant holder!

< end >  




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