Fun with Scientologists and their critics

Although Scientology is an evil, dangerous and very litigous cult, alt.religion.scientology can sometimes be a funny place. Laughing about evil is no protection, but it helps.

[Buy a clam handpuppet with movable eyes!]Clams

[snapping clam animation]Critics have found extremely silly texts in the Scientology 'literature'. Are you scared about jaw pain ? The reason may be the clam engram. No wonder that the snapping sound of the clams will soon be registered as a trademark, although the Smithsonian Institute denies any human-clam evolutionary link. And here's a cartoon: John Lennon lectures the clams. And watch Long Beach Clam Cam. Watch Thus spoke Clamathustra (animation).

You may want to know how Scientology is expanding in parallel universes. Did you hear that claim in Fact vs. Fiction (The response of the "church" against the TIME article) that 1,500,000 millions of South African children were taught how to read and learn through Scientology "study technology" ? You don't believe it, e.g. because even current cult leader David Miscavige didn't finish high school ? Well, it was a clandestine operation.

(Clam animation originally done by Bay Networks for their clambake contest. Bay Networks does not endorse or sponsor this site. Cropping done by Chris)

The Church of the Government Protected Word

For Jeff Jacobsen, it wasn't enough to criticize the cult. He founded his own religion, the Church of the Government Protected Word. This Church promises to improve your personality. Did someone call you a bozo ? Well, Jeff has the answer to check this: the bozo prep-check [tm]. Feeling pain ? No problem, Doctor Hubbard is in, and will help you. Wondered how auditing really works ? Here's the answer.

Dioretix, Diarrhetics, Scienetics, Apelomatics, Diapetics, DianeTech, Psychotonomy, Selfosophy, Epizootics, Neurotology

In the movie Repo Man with Emilio Estevez we discover Dioretix: The Science of Matter over Mind. In the scene where Otto (Estevez) is talking to Miller while he's burning trash in an oil drum, there's a brief shot of Otto holding a copy of the book (screenshot), then throwing it into the fire. Almost at the end, there's another brief scene where two of the government agents discover they've both read the Book. Watch the movie or read a transcript.

Diarrhetics is presented by National Lampoon magazine: Leave the thinking to us - over 10,000,000 purged.

Watch out for a new religion: Scienetics, a parody ad by the Premiere Radio Network. Listen to it or read the transcript - and buy Scienetics today!

There is also Apelomatics: The Modern Pseudoscience of Mental Dentistry. Recommended by Prangor the Fraudulent!

Diapetics was invented by Ira Wallach.

Brandnew in 1998: DianeTech, Applied Spiritual Linguistic Technology

In August 1999, the Upright Citizen's Brigade presented a sketch on Psychotonomy. Watch it in RealVideo or read a viewer's comment. Have a cookie!

Episode 209 of the television series Millennium was centered around a group called "Selfosophy". Watch a description of Selfosophy.

Epizootics was a spoof of Dianetics, written by Gershon Legman in 1950 in the short-lived magazine Neurotica. It was reprinted 1963 in Paul Krassner's magazine The Realist, and rediscovered 2008 in the blog of Dana Goodyear.

Neurotology (including Diametrics and Cerebellics) was presented by Saturday Night Live on 4.4.2015 as a spoof ad. (Search for it on youtube or vimeo, links get deleted quickly)

Psychics at work

Scientologists believe they have psychic powers. John Holifield stopped the rain, so that a lady and her two kids could cross over. Very useful for driving students is Ken Long's ability to shrink a car or widen the road. Other success stories are even more amazing: a girl managed to increase her breast size - a real threat for manufacturers of padded bras. Some people are not convinced, a poster from down under says: I don't need no steenkin' OT powers !

OT's are known to kill with a thought. Luckily, you can protect you, with the help of the Anti-OT device from Kwantem Industries. (see the original press release). Don't picket an org wihout it!

German rock star visits Celebrity Center

Harmon Leon from the Met (a Dallas' Arts and Entertainment Weekly) impersonated german musician Dieter Lietershvantz, who decided to go into the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles.

Is Bill Gates a Scientologist ?

by Werner Tiki Küstenmacher; found in PC Professionell 12/95, p.290, translated by me

It was only a matter of time that the idea would come up that Bill Gates is a member of the Scientology cult. This is a silly twisting of the facts. Ron Hubbard, the legendary cult founder, was nothing more than one of the first cyborgs, which the very young E.T. alias Bill Gates built in his garage and programmed in GW-BASIC. This explains also the BASIC-like thinking of the group. If someone looks at the almost non-existant facial expressions of Scientologists Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman or Priscilla Presley, he will involuntarly be reminded of the design of a 8080 processor. No wonder that the logical deepness of the movement still hasn't reached beyond 8 bit.

Werner Tiki Küstenmacher is a protestant minister, cartoonist and author.

Monster under bed

We usually handle monsters under the beds of our children this way: we either persuade that there aren't any monster there, or we say "I have removed the monster, he won't annoy you again".

An OT with the name J.T. (John Travolta ?) has this report, published in "Advance!", page 89:

My three-and-a-half year old son woke up in the middle of the night and came to my room, telling me he was scared. I talked to him briefly, and sent him back to bed, and he went back to sleep. Next thing I knew he was crying again. My roommate said, "I think there's something in there." So I scanned his room for entheta influences. There it was - a churning, large massy ball was hovering near the doorway. I blew that apart and away, and my son went right to sleep. I didn't have to think, wonder, talk, or even get out of bed.

Lost in the desert

part one


part two

I read this joke in the newspaper in a different form. Here it is, rewritten for Scientologists:
A technician, a scientist and a Scientologist are lost in the desert. Suddenly a can of food falls from the sky. They discuss how to open it.

The technician: "We'll hit it until it breaks".

The scientist: "I will take off my glasses, bundle the sunlight on the can, it will pop up and the food will be cooked."

The Scientologist: "Get your ethics in! I will postulate a can-opener".

The Top 15 Least Known Chapters in "Dianetics"

  1. [L. Ron Bastard's Diarhethics: shit happens]"Getting Chicks To Say Yes: L. Ron Answers the Booty Call"
  2. "Hey, If It's In a Bestseller, It MUST Be True!"
  3. "Travolta 3:16"
  4. "Making Your Own E-meter With Dixie Cups And Duct Tape"
  5. "Chapter 26: In Which Luke Discovers that L. Ron Vader is His Real Father"
  6. "Chapter 5: Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot"
  7. "'Old Mother' Hubbard -- L. Ron, the Transvestite Years"
  8. "Chapter 12: Geez, You're Still Buying This, Aren't You?"
  9. "The Human Mind: That Vast Realm Half an Inch Behind the Forehead (Two Inches Back for Scott Hamilton)"
  10. "When a Lawsuit Hits Your Eye, Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Scientology"
  11. "He's NOT the Telescope Guy!"
  12. "Chapter 11 - How To File For It"
  13. "Movie Stars -- Are They Gullible, or What?"
  14. "Chapter 3: Post This on the Internet and We'll Sue Your Ass!"

  15. and the Number 1 Least Known Chapter in "Dianetics"...
  16. "Commandment Number One: 'Show Me the Money!'"
[ This list copyright 1997 by John Smith and Ziff-Davis  ]
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