From: Kim Baker
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: MY STORY : PART 2
Date: Mon, 21 Nov 1994 14:44:18 GMT

I am taking a brief detour from the auto-biographical component of my story 
to examine a deep depression I was in recently. I mostly feel great about my 
decision, but on Sunday I felt very unstable, desolate, a great emptiness, 
lonliness and a sense of total isolation. I liken this to withdrawal 
symptoms from a drug. (I am fighting fit again, as I write this, by the 
way).

I do not have the benefit of an exit counsellor - I am dealing with this on 
my own. My friends on a.r.s, a.r.s itself and Bent Coryden's book are a life-
line to me. I do not have a "live" person, who was IN Scientology to speak 
to in the city where I live, though. So, I am "counselling" myself. I looked 
at that isolation and despair that I was in, and forced myself to analyse 
it, to conquer it. My goal is NOT to "cave in" as they would have me do, I 
aim to recover to the point that I am happy and prospering again.

Here is what I have come up with:

SOME THOUGHTS ON LEAVING A CULT...

Cults, by their very definition, are marginalised from society. When one 
joins a cult, one learns gradually to accept a unique construct of reality.
Scientology, in particular, has developed a whole language to support that 
definition of reality. Just as an inability to speak French precludes a 
German from understanding a conversation amongst a group of French people, 
so the "language" of Scientology precludes understanding by those who have 
not learned the dialect.

This is a very subtle emotional trap. Because if the cultist wants to leave, 
s/he is faced with social isolation. S/he has this reality which cannot be 
shared with friends who do not know the dialect. How do you explain the 
following to someone who knows nothing of Scientology? (Note: translation 
will follow):

	"Your ethics are out, so your dynamics will cave in. You need to be
	CAUSE over your Bank, and stay connected to Source. If you don't,
	I will KR you, and depending on how out-ethics you are, this will
	go up-lines"

That was an example of fairly low-level jargon. To an "outsider", it means 
nothing. Translated into English:

	"You have violated the moral code of Scientology, and the various 
	areas of your life will be adversely affected as a result. You need 
	to keep your Reactive mind under control, and keep studying and
	applying the philosophy of L. Ron Hubbard. If you don't do this, I 
	will report you, in writing, and depending on how serious your
	crime is, it will be reported to higher authorities within the
	Scientology organisation"

The deeper into Scientology you go, the more difficult it is to translate:

	"You have flipped into an SP valence - you are stuck in an incident
	on your time-track, and dramatizing. You will be denied Eligibility
	if you continue, and you will miss all those LFBD's. Disconnect,
	or else!"

(Said to me some weeks ago by a Sea Org member).

	Translation:

	"You have assumed the identity of a suppressive person. (By 
	definition, a suppressive person is hostile to Scientology). You
	are acting out a role, not being the real YOU, from one of your
	past lives. If you continue to behave like this, you will not
	be allowed to do the OT Levels (upper levels of auditing in Scn),
	and you will miss getting rid of all that "charge" (which measures
	on the e-meter by a specific kind of needle reaction). Stop reading
	a.r.s., or else!"

There are even deeper levels than this. These two "light" examples are 
sufficient to demonstrate the subtle mechanism which excludes the cultist 
from normal social inter-action. The deeper the cultist goes, the more 
dependent they are on fellow cultists for communication and social 
interaction - and the more difficult it is to leave and re-integrate into 
normal society.

I am sure that these thoughts are not new, but I thought I'd share them, as 
they are very real to me right now. I understand why people commit suicide,
and how difficult it is to leave a cult. I have no intention of giving them
the satisfaction of doing myself in. I have every intention of surviving,
getting my true personality back, using my experiences to help anyone
else recover, and of re-integrating into society, doing well, and being
happy!

In part 3, I will continue with the autobiographical story.

Kim Baker
Fighting fit, and getting stronger by the day - hey, it's not easy, but I 
WILL triumph! And I WON'T shut up!