Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: DIAPETICS (Humour) REPOST
From: Martin Poulter
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 15:29:09 GMT

[This was sent to me courtesy of "the Xenuphobe"]

DIAPETICS by Ira Wallach, published in 1951 as part of HOPALONG-FREUD, published by Henry Schuman, New York. See also his pre-emptive strike on the New Age, HOW TO BE DELERIOUSLY HAPPY - THE FOIBLE GOMPKIN METHOD.


Diapetics is the modern science of the mind which enables everybody to cure everybody else of everything, just by reading this book. In simple language, readily intelligible to the layman, the creator of diapetics explains the secrets of the crisp, the pre-crisp, the slush, and the bookie.

DIAPETICS (GR., DIAPER-BREECHCLOTH) IS AN INFANT science. Perhaps we can best explain diapetics by analogy. Picture the mind as a refrigerator (gas or electric). Now diapetics demonstrates that part of the mind retains concepts not available for immediate use or analysis. These concepts have been frozen in the mind's ice tray. In another section of the mind we find the crisper. The crisper keeps ideas and concepts fresh, edible, and not too damp. (Green ideas should be left on the window sill for a few days). Controlling both the ice tray and the crisper is the defroster.

We have also discovered a mysterious "Z Quality" in the mind. This flows from the cream cheese to the soup greens. Our knowledge of "Z," however, is still limited.

The Theory of the Crisp

The fundamental aim of diapetics is to skim the patient. A skimmed patient is one who has undergone intense therapy with a diapetic therapist or bookie. In such a patient you will find the ice tray empty, the crisper full, and a dozen eggs behind the can of peaches. He is what we call, in diapetics, a crisp.

A crisp is any person whose ice cubes have been refiled in his crisper by diapetic therapy. A crisp has an I.Q. 200 points higher than before treatment. He is kind and lovable, yet stern at times. He does not get sick, nor does he worry. Sexually he is irresistible ("a ball of fire in the feathers" as the bookies say in their colloquial manner). He is five feet ten and has limpid brown eyes, unless he is a woman, in which case she is five feet five.

Diapetics refers to all people who have not undergone therapy as pre-crisps.

Sometimes therapists are content to have the patient emerge from therapy a slush. A slush is a person whose ice cubes have melted to the extent that they can be moved without resort to hammer and screwdriver. (Diapetics is absolutely opposed to surgery.)

Thus we can see at a glance that diapetics realizes a centuries-old dream: it is a science that explains the mind.

The Flex

The basic contribution of diapetics to science is its discovery of the flex as the sole cause of all mental disturbance. A small flex (flexette) may have little effect upon the patient's life. But a large Aex (flexolo) may so completely disorient the patient as to render him unfit for society.

A flex is any prenatal disagreement overheard by a foetus, zygote, or particularly clever ovary.

We must remember that prior to birth the foetus and the zygote are often unconscious. In this condition, any prenatal disagreement is received by the foetal ice tray as a flex which will later have the power of command over the patient. (For an earlier account of these conclusions, see my article: "The Flex-Mind," in Preposterous Science Fantasy, August, r949)

Here is a classic example of the flex, drawn from one of the 855 Patients on whom the Diapetic Institute conducted clinical tests with maddeningly strict scientific controls. Shortly after conception, the foetus in question overheard an argument between its parents. The argument, acrimonious in character, reached its climax when the mother shouted, "Go ahead, you son of a bitch, hit me with that andiron!"

Naturally this statement went directly to the foetal ice tray where it acted as a flex with the power of command. Whenever the patient, in adult life, caught sight of an andiron (or a son of a bitch), he insisted upon being beaten on the head. After 98 beatings with an andiron, the patient turned to diapetics for relief. (He has been crisped.)

Technique of Therapy

With a little practice, the lay bookie should have no difficulty in returning his patient to prenatal experiences. Simply place the patient on a couch in a position of complete relaxation. Speak in a quiet, intense voice. Say, "Slide back, slide back, please." This is known as the diapetic slide-back. It soon induces what is known to the bookies as the diapetic daze. Bookies must take special care not to enter the daze with the patient. In diapetic practice situations have arisen in which both patient and bookie returned, hand in hand, to the prenatal area where they began life anew. In such cases, a third bookie must be called in.

Contrary to popular belief, prenatal life is very hectic. Many sounds penetrate to the foetus. Its cells are constantly assailed by the clatter of milk bottles, delivery trucks, thunder storms, and the din of intercourse. Each of these experiences is a trauma producing unconsciousness on the foetus, and each is responsible for a flex which must be beat around and washed up. (More on the beat-around and the wash-up later.)

You are now ready for the bounce-back. This is the technique by which the patient, already in the prenatal period, is forced back as close to the moment of conception as possible. Concentrate on the bounce-back. It will bring you face to face with the early flexolos.

The Resister

When a patient resists prenatal bounce-back, the bookie may tie him in an old flour sack and dump him in a tub of water heated to the average mean temperature of the amniotic fluid. This technique, known as diapetic soakage, must be used only in difficult cases. Do not attempt soakage on your first case. After you have handled a few simple bounce-backs you will be better able to handle soakage. Remember: soakage is hot-wire stuff!

On reaching the prenatal disagreement, beat it around, then wash it up. The wash-up is accomplished by making the patient repeat the conversation until it has melted sufficiently to be transferred from the ice tray to the crisper. Be sure that it does not drip on the lamb chops.

The Bookie's Oath

To ensure the best therapeutic practices, the Diapetic Institute has prepared a Bookie's Oath. Inform the patient of this oath and take it in his presence:

On my honor I will be neat, clean, courteous, kind, and attentive. I will not wear flashy clothes and I will not use strong language. I pledge to locate, beat around, and wash up all flexes, flexettes, and flexolos.

In addition, every bookie should display his Diapetic Certificate in a prominent place. Such certificates may be obtained after completion of the two-week course in diapetics at the National Diapetic Institute. Those who take the three-week course will receive the special postgraduate certificate. Write to the registrar for rates.

Axioms of Diapetics

We diapeticians are rather amused today to look back upon our early axioms and observe how crude they were. Today, however, every bookie who wishes to practice efficiently should learn the following scientific axioms formulated by the Institute:

The Life Surge of the slush plus the analytical power of the pre-crisp is not equal to the Life Surge of the crisp.

Never talk in the presence of a foetus.

The saturation point of a slush, or equally, any group of postcrispies, is expressed in the equation: SP=KG2x(.0000000000000000000000000000000000006624) (Planck's constant), where K is kilograms of Life Surge, and G is the cubic capacity of the crisper.

Diapetics solves only the problems of the known universe. Bookies do not concern themselves with the solution of other problems.

During coitus, be sure not to upset any zygotes.

The defroster is the link between Darwin and Einstein.

A Typical Case

Here is a case which demonstrates in capsule form the technique of diapetic therapy as practiced by an experienced bookie. This case concerns a foetus named Smith. Smith came for therapy because he was always answering the telephone whether it rang or not.

The bookie gave Smith a quick slide-back, immersed him in daze, and returned him to an early prenatal period without recourse to the bounce-back. The bookie then concentrated on a post-zygote period shortly after conception. A few easily accessible flexes indicated that Smith's parents had intercourse so often that Smith thought he was living in a penal colony. Each of these episodes filled Smith's ice tray with flexes. (The bookie washed up a total of 645 Prenatal flexes before Smith was finally crisped.)

The prime flex (first flex received after conception) resisted approach for 378 hours of therapy. The bookie finally melted it after intense soakage. Following is a transcript of the prime flex:

I hear a voice. It's mama. She's saying, "Darling, darling, again, again!" Over.
Roger. Slide back, slide back. Beat it around. Over.
Roger. Another voice. Father's. He's saying, "There goes the damn phone! Damn phone!" Over.
Roger. Intensify bounce-back. Beat it around. Beat it around. Over.
Roger. Mama: "Again, again." Father: "Can't while the damn phone's ringing. Got to answer, got to answer." (Here the patient sighed contentedly, re-enacting foetal relief at the interruption.) Father: "No, no, no! This is not the Biltmore Delicatessen!"

Having reached this flex, the bookie was able to wash it up. Five wash-ups and this flex was in the patient's crisper! Another 867 hours of therapy, and the patient was a complete crisp. He no longer answers the phone, even when it rings.

The Future

This, then, is the world of diapetics. It is your science, your world. You can leave it alone, or you can take diapetics and remake yourself, your friends, your universe."

MARTIN L: Postgrad. studying "Probability and Belief" at Bristol University
POULTER :    "My body is an energy antenna. Bask in my radiant effulgence!"
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