Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: Re: Cult Fiction! From: cultxpt@primenet.com Date: 21 Oct 1997 14:40:00 -0700 -------- Fictional account for Cult Fiction series: A typical new "CAN" phone call: CALLER: Hello. I think my son has joined a cult. They talk about committing mass suicide and renounce all worldly ties. NCAN: Yes, and what seems to be the problem? CALLER: I'm worried for my son's future. NCAN: So your relationship with your son is strained at this time? What did you do to pull this in? CALLER: What? What do you mean by that? NCAN: Well, obviously you did something to cause your son to break off from you. Or there may be a 3rd party who is PTS to you. We'll have to find out who that is. CALLER: You're talking jibberish. I want to know how to save my son from an evil cult! NCAN: Now, let's not be too hasty. "Cult" is a perjorative word you know. What is the name of this group? CALLER: The Microsquish Brain Fryers, or MBF. NCAN: Please hold. MBF: Yes? NCAN: This is Jim. I've got another angry parent on the line. How do you want me to handle this? MBF: Just give us her number off the caller ID, send her some bland literature about being friendly to minority religions,and we'll handle it. NCAN: Ok. It's 666-555-1212. MBF: Ask what her son's name is. NCAN: Ma'am, what's your son's name? CALLER: Jason Collins. Why? NCAN: Please hold It's Jason Collins. MBF: Got it. Thanks. The check is in the mail. [Jason in background: "The kool-aid is ready, Master"] NCAN: Ma'am, we'll send you some literature on how we all should just get along regardless of our religious differences. CALLER: But I think my son's life is in danger! What should I do meanwhile? NCAN: Go to your nearest Church of Scientology for auditing. You need to learn how to handle stress in your life. CALLER: SCIENTOLOGY!! But I've heard that's a cult! NCAN: Oh no, ma'am. We're not a cult. CALLER: What do you mean "we"? NCAN: We took over the old CAN because they accused religious minorities of being dangerous and evil. And we all know that religions are not dangerous and evil. CALLER: But some are! What about Jonestown? Or Aum Shinrikyo? Or the Solar Temple? Or.... NCAN: Ma'am, please. Perhaps you should give one of our experts, Grody Meltdown, a call. He can explain how wonderful all these groups are. CALLER: I've called you trying to get help to save my son, and now you want me to embrace cultish groups? What on earth is going on? NCAN: Ma'am, I would strongly suggest that you get auditing immediately, and escpecially take the PTS course. It's very reasonably priced. CALLER: This is insane. NCAN: For insanity try the Introspection Rundown. CALLER: Dear God...