L. Ron Elementary--a Parody With a Point

Los Angeles Times
Tuesday, July 29, 1997

By SCOTT HARRIS

     The following parody, based on news accounts of
semi-secret Scientology teachings, is offered as a
cautionary tale as the LAUSD board ponders a proposal
to create a 100-student charter school with instruction
based on L. Ron Hubbard's teaching methods in the
Sunland-Tujunga area:
                         * * *
     "Good morning, class!"
     "GOOD MORNING, MISS DIANETIC! WE'RE ALL IN OUR
PLACES WITH BRIGHT SHINY FACES!"
     "You certainly are! Why, I don't even need Mr.
E-Meter's help to measure your galvanic skin response!
And you should be excited, because today you're going
to learn a very important lesson--the lesson of how the
universe began. Now, does anybody know the true story
of creation?'
     "I KNOW, I KNOW! PICK ME, PICK MEEEEE!!!'
     "My goodness, we are eager today. Nicole, why
don't you tell us."
     "In the beginning, there was L. Ron Hubbard."
     "Oh, good try, Nicole! Ron was a great man, a
great prophet and teacher. He figured out how the
universe began, but he didn't create it himself."
     "Did God create the universe, Miss Dianetic?"
     "No, there is no God, Tommy, at least not in the
conventional Judeo-Christian sense."
     "What about Darwin, Miss Dianetic? Did we all come
from monkeys?"
     "Well, yes and no, Johnny. You see, we all came
from thetans. You, me, Ron and the monkeys--we're all
thetans, remember? Or you might say that we're sort of
like thetan pods, because the thetan is an immortal
soul that goes from one body to the next through
endless reincarnations over trillions of years.
     "Children, it's these thetans that created the
universe--all the stars and planets, every plant and
animal. Thetans built bodies for themselves. Some look
like you and me, some don't. And you know what happens
to a thetan when somebody dies?"
     "Miss Dianetic, my mommy says if I'm good and say
my prayers my spirit will go to heaven. Do thetans go
to heaven?"
     "Oh, Tommy, it sounds like you've been implanted
with an engram by a bad thetan. As Ron once said,
heaven is 'a false dream' and 'a very painful lie.'
     "No, what will probably happen when you die is
this: Your thetan will go to a landing station on Venus
where it will be programmed with lies about its past
life and its next life. One of the lies is that the
thetan will then be lovingly placed inside a newborn
baby for its return to Earth. But that just isn't true
at all. Here's something Ron once said:
     'What actually happens to you, you're simply
capsuled and dumped in the gulf of lower California.
Splash. The hell with ya. And you're on your own, man.
If you can get out of that, and through that, and
wander around through the cities and find some girl who
looks like she is going to get married or have a baby
or something like that, you're all set. And if you can
find the maternity ward to a hospital or something,
you're OK. And you just eventually just pick up a
baby.'
     "That's a direct quote. But Ron showed us that,
through Scientology, we can purge all of our
engrams--both those that happened by accident during
ancient planetary wars and those implanted by evil,
power-hungry thetans. Does anybody remember what
engrams, or 'implants' do? Yes, Nicole."
     "Miss Dianetic, Ron said that implants cause all
kinds of illness, apathy, degradation, neurosis and
insanity."
     "Very good! And through Scientology, you can purge
the implants. So instead of going to Venus when you
die, Scientologists can simply select another location
when they, as Ron poetically put it, 'kick the bucket.'
Isn't that wonderful?"
     "Miss Dianetic, will you tell us about Xena?"
     "Um, you mean Xenu, Johnny. I'm not sure you're
ready."
     "PLEASE, MISS DIANETIC! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!"
     "Oh, I guess a little can't hurt. Now, I haven't
graduated to the Truth Revealed course yet. It's kind
of expensive. But I can tell you what I've heard about
Xenu. It's a long story, so pay attention.
     "Once upon a time, about 75 million years ago, a
tyrant named Xenu ruled the Galactic Confederation.
That was an alliance of 76 planets, including Earth,
which was then called Teegeeack.
     "To control overpopulation and solidify his power,
Xenu ordered his loyal officers to capture beings of
all shapes and sizes from the various planets, freeze
them in a mix of alcohol and glycol and transport them
by the billions to Teegeeack in spaceships resembling
DC-8s.
     "Xenu was as evil and clever as the IRS. Some of
the beings were captured after they were duped into
showing up for a phony tax investigation.
     "Then they were all chained near 10 volcanoes
scattered around the planet. After hydrogen bombs were
dropped on them, their thetans were captured by Xenu's
forces and implanted with sexual perversion, religion
and other notions to obscure their memory of what Xenu
had done.
     "Soon after, a revolt ignited. Xenu was imprisoned
in a wire cage within a mountain, where he remains
today. But the damage was done."
     "Can we go on a field trip to see him, Miss
Dianetic?"
     "Well, perhaps if you sell enough chocolate bars,
we could go there instead of the Celebrity Center."
     "Miss Dianetic, Ron was the bestest science
fiction writer who ever lived, wasn't he?"
     "Yes he was, Tommy. And of course he didn't just
write fiction. He revealed the truth.
     "You know, children, it's a sad thing, but a lot
of people are afraid of the truth, and so a lot of
people are afraid of Ron. They think he was some kind
of wacko, some kind of charlatan.
     "He was a great man. Yet for some reason school
board members get worried when a practicing
Scientologist proposes the creation of a little
itty-bitty charter school that would use Ron's teaching
systems.
     "They ask lawyers about the separation of state
and church. They try to find some way to keep Ron's
wisdom out of the classroom, even though some of the
teachers have been using his methods for years. The way
they pick on Scientologists, they remind me of Xenu
himself. "Oh, I'm sorry, Nicole. I got carried away and
didn't see your hand. You have a question?"
     "Miss Dianetic, what's a charlatan?"
                         * * *
     OK, parody is supposed to be mildly amusing. But
consider this: Let's suppose that it's possible to
create an L. Ronics charter school that indeed steered
clear of Scientology the Religion. Hey, whatever works.
But suppose we take another step in school reform. Now
let's suppose we face another ballot measure on school
vouchers--as someday surely we will. Would you want
your taxes spent at Scientology High?

     Scott Harris' column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays
and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times
Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311, or
via e-mail at scott.harris@latimes.com Please include a
phone number.