Newsgroups: alt.clearing.technology Date: Mon, 28 Nov 1994 08:08:01 SAST-2 From: Kim Baker Subject: Introduction Thanks for accepting me on to this list. I am ready to join it because over the weekend I found the answer to that KEY question, what was my part in my involvement in Scientology this lifetime? I am still in the middle of writing the "My story" series, but I just don't know how I will explain this to the people on a.r.s. Any suggestions/advice would be welcome. In short, when I began my first auditor training course, and walked into the Academy, it was SO familiar. When I first audited someone, that old surge of "power" was SO familiar. I spent the rest of my time in Scientology suppressing what I knew, yet just CRAVING someone to find me out. No one did, no-one could. *GRIN* Until this persistent person named Jacobus appeared on the net. We became friends, I helped him though some things, but we never met. This weekend we met. It was unthinkable, we knew each other SO well. SO well. We talked about many, many things. He wanted to see Cape Town Org, I took him in (they know nothing of my, er activities of the last couple of months.) We walked in together, and we KNEW. We had both been in Scientology before, together. I requested that they show him the '66 taped interview with L.Ron Hubbard - and we both watched, transfixed. I blew, I couldn't look at Hubbard. Couldn't look at him. Went back, confronted. Confronted that face that I think of as utterly evil. Went back to my flat. He folded in again, again I helped him. And then it was my turn. WHY was I SO repulsed by Hubbard. I looked and looked and OH MY GOD. I saw that I had deliberately avoided receiving any auditing this life-time, because I knew that vital parts have been left out of the Church's Tech, that it makes you more "Source"- determined than self-determined. But I wanted to "help". No, what I wanted was that old power back of controlling other people. OH MY GOD. That I was JEALOUS of Hubbard's ability to control people. This made Jacobus blow a fair megaton of charge too. I felt awful, totally repulsed and disgusted by myself. I had always prided myself on the fact that my "healing powers" (I DO have them) were something I wanted to use to help others. Yes. But what crept into it was that sick lust for control of others. SHAMEFUL confession. But there it is. Kim Baker