From: deirdre@sover.net Aug 30, 1994 [Comments in brackets are clarifications for any non-Scientologists who may read this letter] To those interested in matters Scientological: My purpose in writing this is to clarify who I was and what happened in my Scientology experiences, though those interested only in "confession" of "crimes" will no doubt be disappointed. I hope that those who missed discovering and handling my situation will get necessary correction. I hope that those who my actions (and subsequent ramifications) have alienated will understand more about WHY it happened, WHAT could be done, and, most importantly, help prevent such situations from occurring in the future. I wouldn't wish what happened with me to happen to anyone else, for it was completely preventable. And that, in short, is my argument with Scientology -- the information was available to a number of people to help me and no one did. The policy was there to prevent what happened and it was not applied. To clarify matters, I do not assign blame solely and only to those who failed to help. I do instead hold a great many staff accountable for the specific times they could have done something and chose not to do so. I myself do not fully know the truth of the situation -- and I'm certain no single individual does. Thus, I'm attempting to correct information voids that have been filled in by rumor and conjecture. In short, I had a glaring PTS [Potential Trouble Source] situation when I walked into Scientology -- and I had the same glaring situation, magnified several fold, when I left. I was completely unaware of this situation. It was never discovered or addressed, though I had numerous patch-ups over the years. In 1989, I had a PTS Rundown [a type of counseling designed to repair a PTS situation], ostensibly to address my PTS situation. When I finished, I got sick [a sign of being a potential trouble source in Scn doctrine]. I went back to do a repair, and named my father as the person who had not been addressed. However, nothing came up even though I'd given the correct person. I didn't know WHY my father was the correct person, but I knew it was. I was certified completed, but I still had some nagging reservations about whether I really was complete. One day as I was pondering this, I crashed my car, totalling it. I entered Scientology in 1978, where I had several PTS handlings for a type A[antagonistic person in one's surroundings]. I moved around until I finally returned to my father's home in late 1978. My father was one of the people I'd had a PTS A handling on. In 1979 I joined staff at a mission (now an Org) where I'd never been public. At that point in time, I was living in a PTS A situation, though it didn't necessarily seem so at the time. It wasn't type A in that my father objected to my participation in Scn, but rather that he was antagonistic to me personally. Admittedly, his reactions to me have softened over the years and I am now able to maintain a successful "good roads, fair weather" relationship with him -- and have for the last three years. At the age of three, I was first raped. Like many small children, I blocked this memory wholly and completely. In fact, my memory was my vanity -- I had a good, quick, facile memory. Because it was so good, that meant I had to be especially clever about hiding memories. Because it was so good, I never suspected that I was hiding things from myself. As it happens, I was unable to remember that my mother asked me in 1988 if I'd been molested. I hung up on a friend who asked the same question in 1989 -- and later could not recall the incident. My memory blocks, I've discovered, are very tightly focused on communication relating to incest. Digging information out is rather like grabbing a greased pig you're not sure is even there. Anecdotal evidence from several other incest survivors has shown that incest perpetrators know when a memory block occurred. They also periodically test the memory block by asking a question that remains the same over time. In my case, the question was, "Do you remember that trip we took to Shadow Lake when you were three?" It was even asked as late as 1990. At that point, I would be asked about every six months. Since I've discovered my incest history, I haven't been asked. I was sexually assaulted fairly regularly at least until I was eleven, approximately the age I attained puberty. I have no memory of any assault after that period, but that doesn't mean anything, as I've discovered. In short, I had the same problem as in the probably-now-banned "Secret of Flag Results" film. I had a glaring PTS situation that I could NOT remember, yet it was clearly there. Now I have some problems with what I've learned in Scientology. I can't reconcile some of the information I learned about PTSness with the reality of the situation I faced. I didn't do anything (except perhaps hike myself to exhaustion) that "pulled in" the attack, nor did I perpetuate the sexual abuse. It was usually done while I was asleep (yep, good old pain and unconsciousness together again). Clearly, I discovered this situation somehow. After the fan turned brown, I really only had one option: to see a psychologist. She discovered, in five hours, what Scientology had not discovered in eleven years. For this reason, I now have serious doubts about the negative comments Scn has always made about those who practice psychology and psychiatry. In my situation, my leaving Scn has everything to do with a loss of faith in the system. This loss of faith is a result of the fact that, bottom line, Scientology: 1) Allowed me to have some fun and gains, but didn't address the keystone issue I had (Disneyland would have been almost as effective and lots cheaper); 2) Cost me a lot of money in terms of both actual cash outlay and lower income while I was a staff member. The average staff member, at that time and place, earned approximately $150 a week for full-time work. Over time, this increased to about $180. Full-time, by the way, was considered about 66 hours per week. I worked usually between 37 and 42. All told, in reduction in income and cash outlay, I spent at least $150,000 on Scientology. 3) Because of #2 and the fact that I spent most of my money, directly or indirectly, on Scientology, Scn prolonged my intimate contact with someone hostile to my success -- and therefore had the effect of inevitably delaying it. As a staff member, I wasn't financially able to live away from my father until I started a sideline business to generate additional income. For most years while I was on staff, Scn generated less than half of my income while absorbing 3/4 of my available work time. To make clearer the timeline of my involvement on staff: In 1978, I joined Scn and was labelled PTS. In 1979, I joined staff. Though I was chronically ill on study (something that was aggravated by poor air quality), I received no lengthy or effective PTS handling -- something that was, at that time, required prior to attaining "Permanent" staff status (SS2). In short, I should never have become permanent staff. I objected to being placed in Treasury because of the HCO PL "PTS Personnel and Finance," [which forbids PTS people from working in any Scn occupation involving money] but that didn't change the fact that I was placed in Treasury. In 1980, I left staff. Part of the extenuating circumstances for that was petty theft of cash, for which I was billed; I paid the sum over time. For the record, I was billed and paid for substantially more than I took. This should have made me suspicious later, but it didn't. In 1984, I rejoined staff, signing a new 5-year contract. Though my prior situation had not been addressed, I was put back in Treasury on the same job over my objections. It did not occur to me at the time that this was a setup for future events. Early on in the five-year contract, I was caught having taken a small sum of money. I was disciplined, repaid the money, and was returned (once again over my objections). I remember taking a long time doing a Liability amends project and being harrassed about it by another staff member. I told him that I could not trust myself yet and therefore I wasn't done. I was told that I had to pass around my petition to rejoin by the end of the week. "After all," he said, "I trust you." It didn't change how I felt. I managed to grit my way through the contract simply and only because I had agreed to be there. Most days it was a chore even showing up. I made a point of skipping staff meetings and events. At the end of my contract, I continued working on a reduced schedule awaiting replacement. Ironically, I had to be "replaced" but no one was working on putting someone into my former position. I felt trapped. Two things happened in the fall of 1989 (after the botched PTS Rundown) that changed things for good. One was a flare-up of a severe back condition, causing such pain that even my heart beating sent shooting pains into my head [this sort of physical malady is usually a sign of PTSness]. The other was the car crash I mentioned earlier [accidents are a sign of PTSness]. Basically, I lost contact with the org and its personnel. It was a very bleak time for me for a number of reasons, most of which are irrelevant here. However, the other primary programmer in my business was not producing, leading to a financial crisis at the end of 1989. In the beginning of 1990, I resigned from the company I'd founded, though I was still finishing projects. I started working at temporary agencies and, for the first time in years, had a blast at work. In spring of 1990, I filed for Bankruptcy. After that, I was ordered by Scn (in violation of federal law I might add) to "figure out a way to pay" one Scn creditor despite the fact that there was not one penny unaccounted for. I was told that I would be expelled if I didn't comply. I mentioned the incident to my bankruptcy attorney, though I didn't want him to contact Scn at that point. I did keep a copy of the summons to use if necessary (but I kept a copy of just about everything -- anyone want to buy some old, signed letters from L. Ron Hubbard?) Shortly after I refused to comply, I was called into Ethics for another matter: the disappearance of a large sum of cash over time, largely during a time when I was working part-time. I was told that if I didn't confess, I would be expelled. I sat down and wrote a confession to stealing 10 grand. I picked the number because it a) approached the number I was being asked about (lesser amounts would not have been convincing); and b) it was a nice round number. I'm a numbers weenie. I like nice round numbers. However, the confession wasn't true -- I made it all up spontaneously. Why? Because NOT being expelled was more important to me than lying. Frankly, I'm not sure that much cash was even missing, since I fail to see how such a large amount *could* be missing to anyone who was paying any sort of attention -- and I thought the Dir Disbursements was doing that. I was one of six people who had ready access to large amounts of cash. I often was the person who went to the bank to pick up the payroll (and, I might add, I'd been lobbying for writing checks for years). But, the bank usually sealed the bag after counting it. I left it in the safe sealed. While I had the combination and often handed out pay, the Dir Disbursements was the person who reconciled the cash against the paper that said what should have been handed out. I could, and was very tempted to, say something about the other five people. At least two of them seemed likely to me; only one seemed out of the realm of possibility. But, I was the only person who had left staff, and therefore the obvious Fall Guy. My mistake was in writing a confession. For, I was told, Scn *intended* to use it to prosecute me if I didn't fork over the money immediately. It was only then that I got the real point of the entire exercise: nailing me to a cross. As I saw it, there was no possibility of coming off staff and remaining in good standing no matter what I did or how far I bent over and spread. So, I went out and hired another attorney who specialized in criminal defense. I told him the complete story being as honest in every detail as humanly possible (something those memory-searching exercises in session aided). In his hands I placed evidence that would be useful in my defense, including copies of relevant Scn policies, copies of PTS declarations, copies of knowledge reports, disapproved copies of requests to pay payroll in checks (starting as early as 1986), etc. He sent Scn a letter that he was representing me and that was the absolute last thing I heard from Scn. I also put in my attorney's hands other information to be used only if Scn did decide to pursue me, information it was not known I had kept copies of. That information is still sitting there. Scn is litigious enough that a signed confession certainly would have been cause for them to go to the authorities and pursue the matter. It would be enough evidence for a District Attorney to investigate (but not enough to convict). Had they pursued the matter, my attorney would certainly have been called -- but he wasn't. I maintain that the reason they didn't pursue was simple: there wasn't a case. All in all, I was set up in a rather elaborate and grandiose way. I did indeed have my overts[sins], which prevented me from being fully aware of my predicament. For that is the other reason PTS people are not allowed to work in finance -- PTS people are oblivious to crimes going on around them. Fortunately for me, Scientology was not the only source of effective help, as I had been brainwashed into believing. There *is* life after Scientology.