[Parody of Dianetics cover]
LEAVE THE THINKING TO US
Diarrhetics article from National Lampoon, February 1989, page 87. Nick Bakay, illustrated by Joe Coleman.
Diarrhetics (di'eh ret'ics) n. A Structurstem[TM] wherein the mental Healthstatform[TM] of an unenlightened Droogworm[TM] is Judgmentationalized[TM] by a Superior Enlightened Olympian[TM] in an effort to reestablish the subject's Personhoodism[TM], health, and happiness, as well as to Screwgouge[TM] said patient of all personal Liquidassets[TM] that may stand in the way of his attaining the desired state of Empty[TM]. ***
What, in the layman's basic Outsiderchaosmonger[TM] vocabulary, does all this mean? Well, it's simple, really.
As an individual lives his/her/OUR life, bad experiences collect in the psyche and emerge years later in the form of phobias, psychoses, physical illness, and, of course, a passion for accordion music.
For example, a child who was abandoned by vagrant parents in a White Castle restaurant and subsequently raped and gnawed by a pack of Doberman pinschers is likely to have a problem later in life with large hellhounds coated with the smell of rehydrated onions and a pink lipstick between their legs.
Through the scientific use of Technofoolery[TM], a trained and disciplined Diarrhetic[TM] Spongeminister[TM] can Empty[TM] you of all those long-buried upsets, assets, liquids, and Liquidassets [TM].
Who invented Diarrhetics[TM]?
The father of Diarrhetics[TM] is Elron Hubbard, or "Captain Love Log," as he is lovingly referred to by thousands of nubile, subservient Suckbunnies[TM], Hosemonsters[TM], and Minionsluts[TM] around the globe.
[Faked picture of Hubbard complete with captain's hat]
A brilliant author, scientist, and scholar, Elron first gained fame in the 1920s as the boy author of the hugely successful and controversial *Can I Touch It*? books for children of his own age group.
[Bloated raw meat]
The bad stuff. Stuart felt like shit.
[Wizard-auditor throws dust and waves wand]
The he went to see a Diarrhetics[TM]. Spongeminister[TM].
[Mark pukes in toilet as Auditor lifts his wallet]
Purging your way to good health!!!
[Smug-faced, roller-blind-eyed Scientologist]
Stuart was made very nervous by his mortgage. This fear manifested itself in a series of illnesses and aberrations. By signing his mortgage over to us, Stuart was healed.
*** If you don't understand a word or phrase, *please* don't read on. Instead, mail $50.00 for our glossary of terms and stand on your head until it comes.
Elron went on to eclipse that precocious success with his science fiction octology, *Big Daddy of the Naughty Planets*.
Undeniably the greatest achievement in a prolific life was the creation of the philosophy and research that we now call Diarrhetics[TM]. Since its introduction in the 1950s, people have been changed by the millions.
Despite reports of Elron's death in the mid-1980s, we assure you that Elron is alive and well and simply conducting his long-promised "Walking Tour of the Forbidden Zone," and will return to us next year, with all his new data and body odor, in the form of a dung beetle.
Is there a "them"?
Yes. They are right behind you. Don't look! Why don't you hide over here in our Closetenviron[TM]?
Have I lived other lives?
Yes. In the past you were an insignificant speck of dust.
Why am I so fat?
Because you eat too fucking much.
Is money the root of all evil?
Only if you hold onto it for too long. Money should be earned in large quantities and quickly given to us for holding and disarmament in our Piggybank[TM].
What about Negroes?
We have some former Negroes, but the process of reaching the Nirvana-like state of Empty[TM] has made them white.
Will I die?
Nooooo. Not if you're paid up. But please remember, there is a cutoff point:
(Based on twenty years of donation)
Superior }
Enlightened }
Olympian - $3,000,000 } THE
Ralph } IMMORTAL
Kramdenhood - $2,000,000 }
Angel - $1,000,000 }
THE
-------------------------< FORBIDDEN
ZONE
Scumbucket - $900,000 }
Minionslut - $125,000 } THE
Droogworm - $85,000 } DEADBEAT
[Picture of bludgeon-weilding "Auditor" complete with face-mask]
If you have any questions about where you stand, our Auditors[TM] will be more than happy to have a look at your books, and maybe even ransack your attic for old baseball cards.
John Travolta:
Actor
[Photo, AP/Wide World]
Okay, so, like...all my success ten years ago really put my head, umm, like, put pressures in my head. My mind. No, my head, I mean head. Right? But Diarrhetics[TM] and purgin' my way to Empty[TM] made me more good. It has also, like, really helped with my career decisions lately too.
Karen Black:
Actress
[Photo, AP/Wide World]
Is it me? My...my turn? Is this on? Oh dear, look, my hives have come back! Haaaa-haaaa! A-ha-ha-ha, hoo, ohh, ah, boo-hoo, boo-hoo!
Chick Corea:
Jazz Musician
[Photo, AP/Wide World]
Reaching a state of Empty[TM] taught me a lot of things, things about myself. I realize now that *I* was imposing my own limit on how pretentious I could be. Now I see self-indulgent pretension as a bottomless well where I will never find a bottom.
Puddingpop:
Dancer / Minionslut[TM]
[Wig-laden, bust-showing blonde]
Most of the guys don't talk too much. They just want the pussy, y'know? But that Elron, what a gasbag. What?...Learned a lot?...Sure. Sure, whatever you say.
The Entire Cast of *The Brady Bunch*:
Has-beens Who Make the Others Look Good
[Photo of all 9 of them, AP/Wide World]
Unavailable for comment.
Take this quick test to see if you are the kind of person who could benefit from Diarrhetics[TM]:
[Pirate graphic with dagger in teeth]
If you answered "a" to any or all of the questions above, then YOU ARE SOMEONE WE CAN HELP!
It's really so simple. First, you will pay us. Second, you will be strapped in a chair and forced to listen to the music of Chick Corea. Third, and most important, you will be Emptied[TM] through the use of the C-Meter[TM].
[Two people hooked up the the C-Meter, a toilet-roll phone going into a garbage pail. Toilet paper stands at the ready.]
Yes, the C-Meter[TM] is the crown jewel of the technology, the genius, and the invention of modern Diarrhetics[TM]. As you tell your own personal Spongeminister[TM] about all the horrid shit that has ever happened to you, the information travels through the complex labyrinth of the C-Meter[TM] and comes out the other end, *never to return again*! Just utter a bad memory into the mouthpiece and it will never bother you again. Once this long and expensive process has taken care of all your problems, you will attain the divine state of Empty[TM]. You will be healed.
While you are ordering more information about Diarrhetics[TM], think about these fine values and what an investment they will be for your Empty[TM] new life!
Why Am I a Butthole? by Elron Hubbard.
Our leader talks gently and candidly about one of the biggest problems endangering our planet. $78.95
Suck Them Dry by Elron Hubbard.
An advanced study course addressing the winning philosophy you need to be a level-six humdinger Spongeminister[TM] *and* Minionslut[TM]. Great for couples. $123.00
Your Money Can Kill You! by Elron Hubbard.
A primer on the methodology of rapid and lifesaving transference of your Liquidassets[TM]. Featuring the revolutionary Earn-Give-Forget[TM] structure. $894.66
Our Little Secret by Elron Hubbard.
Elron's personal correspondence and advice to children. This is the one you moms and dads have been waiting for! Features a new, expanded chapter on bruising. $892.00
The Entire *Big Daddy of the Naughty Planets* Octology by Elron Hubbard.
Here it is, the whole series bound in collector's-edition iguana scrotum.
Special set price: $123,678.00
Diarrhetics[TM] Cruise! Sail the beautiful shores of Lake Erie as you meet great people and dance to the music of Chick Corea and his Casio organ! We'll fill you up all night and Empty[TM] you by day. Per person: $556,789.00 7 days / 2 nights.
Home C-Meter[TM] Kit: Bring this outrageous technology to your own home. You'll be amazed at the things you hear!
Equipment: $890,000.00
Malpractice coverage: $1,000,000.00
[Photo of two toilet rolls]
Here it is, the result of Elron Hubbard's in-depth study of how to achieve big, huge, GAIN STATUS in your business life! A must for anyone out to make money off other people's time and energy, this technofoolery comes in three basic courses:
For the middle-management-level executive with a lot of stupid, unmotivated people under him. Learn how to keep them fired up all day with new data on Clockslowing[TM], Hypnopersuasion[TM], and Paystubmagick[TM]. It's true! You can have the lazy slugs humping their lives away for the "cause," and no one will be the wiser!
Suggested donation rate: $8,980.00
More people work in sales than in any other free-world occupation, and yet most salesmen lack the secrets to unlocking the pleasure center in the minds of the average Outsiderchaosmonger[TM]! We offer you more than your foot in the door with this incredible technosense; we'll teach you how to get them pinioned under your leather boots! Sell their own house back to them!
Suggested donation rate: $34,000.00
Get back to the primitive instinct with this incredible course! We drop twenty top corporate leaders on a forgotten island with a flint, a compass, and a simple bludgeon. Then we tell them where the top hat filled with stocks, bonds, and beaver pelts is hidden. The rest is a nonstop melee for bragging rights and the honor of wearing the big top hat! Find out if you've got what it takes.
Suggested donation rate: $45,000.00
Requirements: Must be certified CEO of Fortune 500 Corporation, must have doctor's approval, and must have Diarrhetic[TM] - approved will.
Humans, doomed to wander the earth in a haze of ignorance and with dark wax collecting in their ears; the glory of man's potential reduced to the breath/eat/copulate Flyingdutchmanloopcycle[TM], one pathetic step removed from an otter....
A passage from science fiction? Sadly, no. These are the words Elron Hubbard wrote to describe *your friends* who are not a part of the miracle we call Diarrhetics[TM]. In his landmark essay *The Ethics of Feeling Superior to Everyone* ($78.95), Elron has given you the Technosense[TM] to implant powerful Herdingstrategies[TM] in the people you love. Come on! Be a Turdlink[TM] and take control of anyone who has anything you want!
The mission of Diarrhetics[TM] is to survive, and survival, as Elron has generously explained to us, means never having to say you're sorry. As an egg needs its seed to come to life, so do we need your friends, family, and coworkeers. Live up to the vows we beat into you when you came to us in the form of being one step removed from an otter! Bring us fresh meat, and, if possible, make sure they can pay.
Structurstem: A unit of logic, a line of thought, or an idea cluster roughly the size of Montana.
Healthstatform: The collected data evaluation determining an individual's degree of gullibility and confusion.
Droogworm: The initial classification for an individual taking his first steps toward health and purgation.
Judgmentationalized: A healing technique involving the ridicule and stomping of a subject's small toes.
Superior Enlightened Olympian: Simply put: the cat's ass. A mentally, physically, and ethically superior being. Rather like Bill Bixby or June Lockhart.
Personhoodism: That funny feeling you get when the phone is finally quiet, the bills are all paid, Bach is tinkling out of your stereo, and there are a thousand earwigs swarming up your calves.
Liquidassets: Cash on the barrelhead, baby.
Outsiderchaosmonger: Anyone who has not been exposed to the miracle of Diarrhetics[TM]. These subhuman warts are helped best when captured violently, tranquilized, pinioned onto unfinished wood beams, and then entertained by the music of Chick Corea.
Spongeminister: A sanctioned and fully qualified therapist / accountant.
Technofoolery: Look over there! Did you see it?...What, No, I have always worn a mustache....Look at that! Did you see it?... What? Mustache? What are you talking about?...
Minionslut: A talented counselor who assists high officials in the critical Satyrpurge breakdown.
Ralph Kramdenhood: A special order of enlightened members who happen to be amorphic lumps of steaming, moist flesh; often mistaken for large heaps of mashed potatoes. It is important to look closely - under those folds lives a small lump of coals, just like you or me.
The Forbidden Zone: Well, we can't tell you too much, but it looks like a Laundromat and Truman Capote wants to have a chat.
Technosense: This is a word that means whatever we want it to mean.
Turdlink: A personhoodite who has learned to be comfortable living a life that imposes pain and emotional blackmail on those who really love him or her. A real go-getter!
Herdingstrategies: Getting Outsiderchaosmongers to do what you want.
Cash: A very dangerous property that we don't fully understand yet. If cash should enter your life, be very careful and send it to our laboratories for further study.