Puddingpop:
Dancer / Minionslut [TM]
Most of the guys don't talk too much. They just want the pussy, y'know? But that Elron, what a gasbag. What? ... Learned a lot? Sure. Sure, whatever you say.
The Entire Cast of The Brady Bunch:
Has-beens Who Make the Others Look Good
Unavailable for comment.
How Do I find a Spongeminister[TM] and what will he do to me?
It's really so simple. First, you will pay us. Second, you will be strapped in a chair and forced to listen to the music of Chick Corea. Third, and most important, you will be Emptied[TM] through the use of the C-Meter[TM].
Yes, the C-Meter[TM] is the crown jewel of the technology, the genius, and the invention of modern Diarrhetics[TM]. As you tell your own personal Spongminister[TM] about all the horrid shit that has ever happened to you, the information travels through the complex labyrinth of the C-Meter[TM] and comes out the other end, never to return again! Just utter a bad memory into the mouthpiece and it will never bother you again. Once this long and expensive process has taken care of all your problems, you will attain the divine state of Empty[TM]. You will be healed.
Marketing
While you are ordering more information about Diarrhetics[TM], think about these fine values and what an investment they will be for your Empty[TM] new life!
The Personality Test
Take this quick test to see if you are the kind of person who could benefit from Diarrhetics[TM]:
- 1) Who would you say was a good man?
- a) P.T. Barnum
- b) Hitler
- c) Ted Bundy
- d) Aleister Crowley
- 2) How much did you earn last year?
- a) over $300,000
- b) $25,000
- c) $15,000
- d) $8,000
- 3) Who do you think is not riding for a fall?
- a) Karl Wallenda
- b) Gary Carter
- c) Andre Agassi
- d) Arsenio Hall
- 4) How much do you expect to inherit in the next year?
- a) over $300,000
- b) $25,000
- c) $15,000
- d) $8,000
- 5) Can you draw Crusty the pirate?
- a) Probably not but I'll try if you want me to.
- b) Yes.
If you answered "a" to any or all of the above questions, then YOU ARE SOMEONE WE CAN HELP!
Books:
Why Am I a Butthole? by Elron Hubbard. Our leader talks gently and candidly about one of the biggest problems endangering our planet. $78.95
Suck Them Dry by Elron Hubbard. An advanced study course addressing the winning philosophy you need to be a level-six Spongeminister[TM] and Minionslut[TM]. Great for couples. $123.00
Your Money Can Kill You! by Elron Hubbard. A primer on the methodology of rapid and lifesaving transference of your Liquidassets[TM]. Featuring the revolutionary Earn-Give-Forget[TM] structure. $894.66
Our Little Secret by Elron Hubbard. Elron's personal correspondence and advice to children. This is the one you moms and dads have been waiting for! Features a new, expanded chapter on bruising. $892.00
The Entire Big Daddy of the Naughty Planets Octology by Elron Hubbard. Here it is, the whole series bound in collector's-edition iguana scrotum.
Planet of Pain
Girls of Colony z-8000
The Heavens Drip
The Dark Side of the Mounds